How many reindeer does Santa have?
11 (named below):
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,
Rudolph (the one with the red nose),
Olive (all of the other reigndeer)
and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
What kind of bird can write?
A PEN-guin
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long distance-runners on each side.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
Beacuse every buck is dear to him.
What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle
What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you.
ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF#2: "OKay everyone, sack time!"
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe!!!!!
Christmas Dinner Punnies
What
beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan !
Mum,
Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
What
did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !
What
did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !
Who
is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !
What
bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !
Whats
the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !
We
had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !
Whats
happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !
What
do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !
Mother
bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said .
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.
A
man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound.
He said to the butcher, 'Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied. 'They were only 50p a pound
this morning!'
How
do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned
custard?
Look at the labels!
Did
you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!
Who
made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
Last
year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
I'd
like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!
Is
that policeman eating turkey?
No, he's eating truncheon meat.
This
turkey's disgusting!
Well, you asked for a foul roast!
This
turkey tastes like an old settee.
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ
STYLE...
On
the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called
for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to
play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red
paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have
been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Christmas Punnies
Eve?
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called